Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Wow… this has been an interesting day.,, When I woke up this morning, I expected a four hour drive (is that the same as a three-hour tour?), a wonderful evening with some people that I really think I have come to love (now if I could stop being so completely bewildered by the fact that they seem to like ME), capping it off with an evening at a hotel…
What I got was a 4-hour drive where I was treated to a view of a respected co-worker that I had not yet been privileged to see… someone that I have liked and respected for the past 18 months, but who I now see with different eyes. Someone who has more depth then I was aware of before… someone who is more a person to me now…
I also got an interesting evening with people I think I love, that made me do some self-exploration, as well as giving me an opportunity to spend time with someone that I liked the first time I met her, but who I did not get to spend a lot of time getting to know…
As always, this fascinating group of people made me feel warm and welcome… they also made me feel proud to introduce them as my friends, when they took my coworker and made HIM feel welcome in their home.
I also got to face some things I had thought completely put away. A very nice person is going through a very bad time, which feels VERY familiar to me… 18-months familiar… things I thought I had dealt with and put away, were brought up to the front and I realized that some issues have NOT been dealt with… some things still hurt… some things that I understand intellectually but which apparently are still unresolved emotionally. It is good to know this because I need to get to work on these… I think sometimes, we work out a knot and put it away, thinking the whole tangle has been dealt with, when in reality, only one bit is fixed… this might be a self-protection mechanism to let us deal with things a bite at a time and apparently it is time for me to take another bite out of mine…
I also got to spend some time talking with someone who asked a relatively innocent question that knocked me on the floor with realizations that I had not faced before… I do not think he even knows what he did … lol…
For the past 6 months, I have been trying to figure out what is going on with me. I have not been acting like myself… I have been feeling things that I do not recognize and it is all centered around this group of people. I feel… different… when I am with them and I have not been able to puzzle out exactly what or why that is.
I have to admit, this has caused me to be a little uncomfortable for the basic reason that I overanalyze things and I know that one sign of mental deterioration is a radical change in personality. What I realized is that this odd feeling I have is being HAPPY… what exactly does it say about me when for 6 months I have interpreted being HAPPY as a mental defect?
I was literally floored… I was sitting having a conversation and all of the sudden I was having a panic attack… I was sitting on the couch and had to put my head on my knees…
In answering a question which I can not even remember specifically now, I was flooded with the realization of what these people have come to mean to me. I had not realized how tired I was of 20 year old habits… things which had a meaning at one time, but over time have lost their meaning and are simply that… meaningless habits.
I had not realized how much of a harbor this group of people had become of me… people who do not expect anything of me other than what I am… again… what does it say about me that it has taken me 6 months to understand this and when I do, it is with complete and utter bewildered suprise?
I love that these people are so warm and accepting… I love that these people seem to like who I am (again… bewildering… but nice)… I love that they trust me to talk to me about things that are really not my business and make me feel like I am doing them a favor when I butt my nose in… I love who I am when I am around these people… I like who I am becoming. My epiphany? This is one of the best things I have ever had come into my life…
It is also one of the scariest…
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