Life Changes

I was privileged enough to be invited to read the blog of someone I am beginning to find quite fascinating. In his blog, he wrote an entry about the things he is doing to improve himself and most of what he said struck a cord with me … much of that blog could have been written about me.

In writing to him to tell him that, I found myself subjecting him to a MUCH longer dissertation that I really intended (If you are reading this, sorry about that!)… I guess there was a lot more there waiting to be said than I thought.

Since it seems that this topic is a lot more important to me at this time, I thought I would go ahead and put parts here as well.

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When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (after a year of being told it was all in my head,,, lol) I had the mixed feelings of relief that it actually WAS something and it had a name and devastation because the outlook was so chronically dismal.

I was lucky that I had access to the research being done and found out about the sleep disorder aspect of when that was just being 'discovered' and was able to start right away in dealing with it. I can, with a few adjustments to my normal lifestyle, head it off when it gets going, but that does not stop the occasional bouts of 'why me' and 'this is crap' I get when I get down about things.

{snip irrelevant stuff}

I spent a lot of time right after the divorce restarting my life. For the first 16 months, it was all about getting resettled with house renovations, learning a new job, etc. It was not until last year (around this time) that I realized that I was basically happy with my life, but that there were areas I needed to work on. Mine were very similar to yours in many ways.

The first thing I did was to admit that I needed help with depression. I had been in denial for a long time. One of the most common things people in my situation say is "… I was in denial for a long time, but one I started on the meds, I could not believe I waited so long…" That was me…

It took someone pointing out that I had just gone through all of the major life stressor but one and that one happened three months later. I divorced, I moved to a different state, I bought the farm (in the good way…lol) on my own, new job and had more interaction with a sick parent (enough that I could not remain in denial about that as well). My friend told me that after all of that, it would be odd if I did NOT need meds… So, I bit the bullet and requested the Rx… it was the best thing I ever did.

That helped give me some perspective… the meds are a useful tool to take care of the chemical issues, but realistically, they do not 'solve' a lot of the real issues. I decided to use the clarity the meds gave me to make a plan.

I started loosing weight. I had already lost some, but that was more a bi-product of all the other 'stuff' than a real issue… but it gave me a starting point. I was going to get serious now and I did. Watching what I ate and swimming.

The swimming was part duex. I had gotten sedentary again and I knew that had to stop, since I also know that exercise helps my chemical imbalance… lol … the upshot is that I lost about 50 pounds and started shaping up. I lost my momentum when my Mom died, but I joined a gym this month for the classes. I am concentrating on Yoga and Pilates until I gain some strength (and stamina after being sick) and will then work back up to weights and cardio. I had forgotten how much I love doing yoga… I may have to prop my arms up to type this, since I am pretty sure last nights instructor is a descendant of Attila the Hun, but I am more flexible, damn it!

I also decided I need to get out more and make the effort to make friends. I too am a fairly solitary person. I am happy to be by myself most of the time and I cherish the real friends I have. But I started to see that it was not enough and that my whole life, I had been shortchanging and limiting myself by not making more of an effort to include more people in my life.

It was funny how that one got solved… one day, Opiate69 (from the board) started talking about the battle of the bands he was going to be in in Seattle. I thought to myself "Gee… I wish I could go to… wait a minute… why not!" … So I made arraignments to go. I stayed at the hostel (there is a whole other 'made new friends' story) and went to Amber/Arch/D-Smacks Halloween party. I fell in love with them. I go up about once every 6-weeks and they come here sometimes. I really enjoy being a part of their circle, but… a few weeks ago, it pointed out something else I do not like about myself.

I was on a camping trip with them and a friend of theirs asked me "Are you always this self-contained?" … There was a chorus of "Yes!" all around me. It upset me and I had no idea why. I am still not sure why that was upsetting to me, but I am working on that. I think it may fall under your "Open up to people more…", which actually is why you are getting the story of my current life as a mini-doctoral thesis… {snip} … maybe this is something that happens to all 37 year olds… hehe…

{snip}… Re: "Simplify" concept. I have been working on all the things I have let slide to put them in order. Cleaning-up the minor things on the credit report, getting rid of things, which is a really hard one for me… pack-rat-itis is painful to cure.

Actually, I think it is like alcoholism in that there really is no cure… we can only treat the symptoms. I try to take it a little at a time. I weed out books, keeping only the ones I am sure I can not do without and then go back the next month and weed out more. I finally gave away the 2-years of accumulated grocery bags to the local co-op. New rule… I can only keep 5 around the house. I am giving away most of my yarn. If it is not already committed to a project, OUT DAMN YARN...OUT!

One big one I am working on is being better about meeting obligations. I tend to over promise and disappoint people (and myself) when I have to cancel things. I also procrastinate, but once I decided that most of my procrastination is fear of the unknown, that has been getting better.

One thing about this last couple of years... I have started a million times (ok... maybe a *little* hyperbole) to 'better myself' and always failed at it. This time, from the very start, it was... different. I *knew* from the beginning that, this time, I was going to succeed. I cannot explain the feeling, but there was a commitment to 'the plan' that I had never had before. I still feel that way. When I look forward, I get the same feeling as when you finally decide to jump into that pool and you just DO it, if that makes any sense.

At the same time, I am less ridged... more flexible and forgiving about my lapses (which happen). I no longer see them as failures, just one more change I need to make. I feel like, for the first time, I am in control.

Something else happened when *** died... I became less of a 'nice' person... but I became a much more honest, sincere and REAL person. It was really weird. Where I used to take crap from people just to not cause a scene, or to not make someone feel bad, etc... I no longer do that. I have learned how to be honest and straightforward, instead of avoiding honesty and straightforward for the sake of social comfort. I do not mean that I go out looking for trouble or intentionally embarrass people. One example was actually this morning when someone wanted to gossip about someone else. Normally, I would have listened to them to not cause a flap, but today, I simply said "I really would prefer it if you did not tell me those things. That is really personal between x and y and I am uncomfortable speculating on it." I love feeling like I can do that now.

I am sorry this turned into true confessions, but I found that once I started typing, it was hard to stop. A lot of things here that I had never put into words. I think I may post part of this on my blog as well.